The Apology Reflex

Meaningless conversational fillers such as "um," "like" and "you know" are widely said, but the word "sorry" took over my life for as long as I can remember. "Sorry for bothering you, sorry I did this, sorry this came up, sorry I interrupted, sorry, sorry, sorry..."  — I would often start and finish my conversations. 

Being the youngest girl in the family and always surrounded by adults, I felt that I did not have as much to offer as my elders, and that what I had to say was not worth a whole lot. A broken glass? Hard times? Mistakes?  Blame and shame usually trickled down the hierarchy in my family, and usually landed at my feet. All eyes were on me. I started apologizing first from early on, just to get it out of the way, plus I found that it often mitigated heated situations.

But such approach didn't work as well when I began adolescence. If I looked at myself just sideways I would automatically think I did something wrong, and therefore would say "I'm sorry". I constantly felt like I needed to apologize for who I was. And it drove me crazy, always second-guessing what I said and did. It as well drove others crazy. I use to think saying "sorry" would settle situations and would make me gain acceptance, it would make me fit and make those around me feel more comfortable. It was not until I met my husband that I realized how many times I used the word; of course, my response to him for pointing that out was to say "I'm sorry". It was just as normal as saying "hi" or "see you". I've always put the heavy weight on my shoulders of trying to make everyone happy. And when someone wasn't, I accepted the blame for it and thought it was my fault. You can surely predict what I would repeatedly say then. 

I am not a hater, but if there is something I abhor, that is fights. I was scared of confrontation, so I felt like if I disagreed with someone he or she would leave me. But then again, I realized that such constant saying of the word made me depressed. I liked to think of myself as someone independent. But by saying the word, I was placing blame on myself, and so I was forfeiting my power. 

Saying "sorry" is synonymous to saying "You're right. I'm wrong. It's my fault". Constantly feeling like I did something wrong and always feeling inadequate is bound to make me depressed. I know others see me taking a submissive role too often and they think they can take advantage of me. I refuse to continue to always being a Yes-person, always wanting to please others. Because after all it's not wrong to want to please myself. And I shouldn't feel guilty for it. Sorry, but this time I am not apologizing.